Sunday, May 6, 2007

Naughty Drug Not Implicated in Children

I have never used crack or cocaine for the same reason I have never been in a casino. Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, after all, how can six million American be wrong?

It's just that when I was a teenager I got hooked on the arcade and their games, and I was shocked and awed when I came to the conclusion that I was always broke, and always hustling new money, to feed my gaming habit.



These insights seem to trickle down in an addict's life. I've noticed even the most hard hearted drug and booze whores seem to have a genuine concern about their offspring, even if they don't care about the fathers. It's the same thing, sort of - shock and awe about bringing a newly addicted baby into the world. Oh my God - now two habits to feed!



But new research shows that pregnant dirty crack whores no longer have to fear for the health of their unborn. Not the same story for drunk whores or tobacco whores or the combination of the two. That's a diagnostic face chart you see here, that helps doctors identify FAS in kids, who face an uphill challenge for the rest of their life. By tracing the facial defects, they can arrive at an accurate diagnosis 97 percent of the time.

Now, when I was a teenager working with older men, they would sometimes comment unfavourably on the local village idiot; "Product of a drunken fuck.", is what they said. Turns out they were not far wrong.


If you really want to insult someone, no kidding around around, you want to get into a fight or something, just say this to the bigmouth who is sounding off on you: "The best part of you trickled down your mother's leg when she stood up to get the bottle."

That will work. Every time. Either you ,or the bigmouth, or both of you, will need medical attention afterward.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Where is Osama Bin Laden?



It seems during the louder noise of environmental destruction that most of our higher minds have forgotten about American president Bush's favourite whipping boy.


News out of England today indicates some of Bin Laden's supporters will be going to the Crowbar Hotel, but where is the charismatic leader hiding out, and why have the Americans let up on their pursuit of him?


Actor Pee Wee Herman, seen in this mug shot after he was arrested for exposing his genitals to children in a cinema, bears a remarkable resemblance.
Smart money has Osama hiding somewhere in a cave in the Hindu Kush mountains that separate Asia from the Indian subcontinent, but I dunno, methinks the mysterious Pee Wee is Osama in drag, living comfortably in the Sierra Nevada.




Sunday, April 29, 2007

Egad Watson - You're Naked!

Are some things not sacred, like the briar pipe, the Homburg or Stetson, the waistcoat and the jerkin?


Can Holmes and Watson stroll around sans deerstalker hat, tweed overcoat, spats and boots? But what's this? They are not part of Scotland Yard, but if they were, they would protest long and loud.


London's venerable Scotland Yard has turned to the Fashion Police to help them choose new uniforms fit for the 21'st Century. Only fitting, old chap, to go with the new sign.




If you didn't know, London's Metropolitan Police and Scotland Yard are the same. What Englanders once called "Bobbys" were the Metro Police, distinguished by their bell shaped head gear.