Where is Osama Bin Laden?

It seems during the louder noise of environmental destruction that most of our higher minds have forgotten about American president Bush's favourite whipping boy.

News out of England today indicates some of Bin Laden's supporters will be going to the Crowbar Hotel, but where is the charismatic leader hiding out, and why have the Americans let up on their pursuit of him?

Actor Pee Wee Herman, seen in this mug shot after he was arrested for exposing his genitals to children in a cinema, bears a remarkable resemblance.

Smart money has Osama hiding somewhere in a cave in the Hindu Kush mountains that separate Asia from the Indian subcontinent, but I dunno, methinks the mysterious Pee Wee is Osama in drag, living comfortably in the Sierra Nevada.

Egad Watson - You're Naked!

Are some things not sacred, like the briar pipe, the Homburg or Stetson, the waistcoat and the jerkin?


Can Holmes and Watson stroll around sans deerstalker hat, tweed overcoat, spats and boots? But what's this? They are not part of Scotland Yard, but if they were, they would protest long and loud.


London's venerable Scotland Yard has turned to the Fashion Police to help them choose new uniforms fit for the 21'st Century. Only fitting, old chap, to go with the new sign.




If you didn't know, London's Metropolitan Police and Scotland Yard are the same. What Englanders once called "Bobbys" were the Metro Police, distinguished by their bell shaped head gear.

Compact Flourescent Bulbs Pack Mercury Wallop

As much as the public has become mass-hypnotized by the current campaign and governmental nod toward compact flourescent light bulbs, there remains a potent poison in each and every one of them.

Late last year the same government who so breathlessly introduced the current schema to save electric energy mentioned quietly that mercury levels in Canadian fish are too high to allow unlimited safe eating of them. Anyone able to draw a connection between A and B might wonder then, how these new style bulbs can be safely disposed of.

As it happens, these bulbs are supposed to last up to seven times longer than the traditional light bulb, so those in power of our waste disposal are saying, "We have plenty of time to figure out a disposal strategy."

Just remember that the so called waste experts are currently to blame for the ban on eating Canadian fish more than twice a week because of mercury levels.

Maybe by 2012, there will be no more fish in Canadian waters, which should the suit the waste experts just fine, because then there woul no longer be mercury problem, as far as eating fish is concerned.

Mafioso Unable to Buy Judge in Canada

Breaking News, April 26, 2007 @ 4:00 pm EDT

Former City of Vaughan mayor Michael Di Biase has lost his bid to "buy" a Canadian Judge despite Mafia links and pressure applied by Hell's Angels in the form of call-girls, illicit drugs and the torture-death of the Judge's spaniel dog.

Di Biase first made headlines in Vaughan (the city north of Toronto) after being caught by municipal police for the fifth time running red traffic signals. Each case, including the last, had been thrown out of court on technicalities.

After a Toronto Star newspaper story concerning the loss of the ticket summons by the court on the fifth offence, Mr. Di Biase defended his ignorance of red lights, saying,

"I'm the mayor, and I'm always in a hurry."

Di Biase lost the mayor's seat to an incumbent who had exposed his extensive pre-election gifts to Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty and his brother David, a federal Cabinet Minister, at a lavish eight course dinner hosted by one of Di Biase's Mafia land-developer buddies, who just happens to live down the street from Michael.

Roger Anderson, chairman of Durham Region, has no such worries as Di Biase. Not only is Anderson able to live in the back pockets of developers who want to build in the regional municipality, he is appointed rather than elected.

Prozac Approved for Dogs

It had to happen eventually in the U.S. where people think their pets are exetnsions of themselves - Prozac has been licensed for use in dogs.

It's being used by owners to control "separation anxiety" which once was merely chewing the toes off your Manolos or the laces from wing-tips, but has now escalated to raiding the refrigerator and drinking master's supply of beer.

Facing competition from their canine friends for the supply of an addictive substance, in this case beer, has led the American Food and Drug Administration to approve Prozac to lighten Fido's angst when you leave the house.

Coming home to a drunken dog when you expect him to be sober can lead to all kinds of family problems. Denial or making excuses for the dog only ingrains these. If the dog has to go to rehab, then whole family should go too - it's a family disease.

Good thing that dogs lack a prehensile thumb and forefinger to operate a Bic lighter. Otherwise you'd come to a drunken dog who has become cross-addicted and smoked all of your stash too!

Kid's Nervous Breakdown Due to Climate Change

The Canadian government released today their inspid war on climate change tactics. It got me to wondering why college and university students no longer protest these willy-nilly pablum textured policies.

I personally had a nervous breakdown (kinda like being caught in an endless acid trip gone wrong) over the U.S. government's nuclear testing on Amchitka Island, Alaska.

There were prostests on college and university campuses all over Canada and the U.S. This was back in a time when students (read people) had power over the media, because the media needed them on lsow news days.

Not any more. Is crowd control more effective these days? Do all of those students not want to ruffle any acadmeic feathers in case they get failing grades at the hand of the administrators? My word, think of it - denied my MBA because of participating in a student demonstration that I could easily avoid.

No dear readers, not because of any of that. It's because of apathy.

The only use apathy is to us today, is for the saving the lives of the potentially suicidal.

"Suicide?, I can hear the apathetic depressive saying.

"I don't really have an opinion on that. Check with me again tomorrow."

Kids Fucked Up Over Climate

There's a rumour among the boomers that thier grandchildren are fucked up about climate change.

Sorry, but the author of Silent Spring, a book from 1961 that outlined the environmental remains of the Boomers is olde now. Ed Note: It has been upon us since 1968, the acknowledged date of DDT pesticide awareness.

Yes, they have reason to worry! No fall-out shelter will help.

Silent Spring was required reading in the grade 10 class of 1964 of Dr. F.J. Donevan Collegiate Institute.

Don't get me going on stupidity!

Don't Blame Me - I'm Hooked

Okay, I ruffled some feathers with the "fat" blog. I admit, before others, I am capable of mistakes.

First, I have my addictions too. Nicotine. Gasoline. Valvoline. Casein. Vaseline. Farting.

Farting does not connote overweight, but it CAN indicate a liver problem, or a gall bladder problem. If you are fat, and fart, it smells like a bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips being opened, then you probably have a liver, gall bladder problem or lower intestinal tract disease.

If you forget what your shit smells like, just buy some potato chips, then hold your nose over the tear-open spot, snick it, and inhale.

If it smells like your farts, go immediately to your nearest Wal Mart store. If no Wal Mart exists within 160 kilometers, you may be excused, then go to your nearest Tim Hortons store.

Check the Fat Pants on the server women. Think of the farts, then eat your doughnut.

Taxpayers to Pay for Poor Eating Habits, Sedentary Lifestyle

Well, err, excuse me, but as a taxpayer I resent the extra millions Ontario is pumping into their health care system to treat the obese for their poor eating habits and couch potatoe lifestyle.

The excuse for all the extra spending is, if they didn't these people would die.

Well, if they all died off, maybe the Darwinian principle would weed out those who don't give a shit what they look like or how they live their lives, and after a generation or two, the problem would be naturally eliminated.

This would be hell for Wal Mart though. I have noticed, along with many other people, that a disproportionate number of the customers in a typical Wal Mart are fat.

Why this is, is not completely clear, but I think it has something to do with intelligence. Fat is one thing, but fat and stupid is a ticking time bomb waiting to destroy our health care system in Canada.

What about the servers in Tim Hortons. Do those fat pants all the server women wear only come in one size and they have to hire to fit the pants? Or does Hortons human resources have a policy that they only hire fat women?

Well, I guess it makes sense if you don't want to have your customers feeling guilty about ordering a fat laced doughnut with a fat laced ice capp. Now, don't get me going on stupid people.

Raelians Have the Best Costumes

Well, my cult-to-join search in over. The Raelians have the best Web site design and they are conveniently located near Granby, Quebec, just a short seven hour drive away.

The Mennonties are drab dressers who feature no zippers (the devil's mechanical device, I'm sure you'll agree if you have ever been frozen out of you jacket on a ski hill by a snowy zipper) but merely buttons.

Mennonites have only two suits of clothes, one for work the other for worship, and closets are prohibited in the home because supposedly they're a sign of vanity, but actually it's so the fornicators screwing your wife while you are out farming beets has nowhere to hide when you come home early with a headache.

The Mormons are too organized, the Scientologists have Tommy Cruise and the Krishnas have ay too much patchouli oil.

Some of you have wondered why I was interested in the religious sects, but you have to realize that even religious girls get horny.

Don't Leave Home Without Them

I have enjoyed a couple of days off Blogging, but it was getting to me. I have so many ideas during the course of a day, and it's fun deciding (or not) which pearls of wisdom to publish.

Today's bit is about underwear. For common folk like we, all we have to be concerned about is getting hit by a bus, only to find out much later that the clinical staff and paramedics got a big charge out of how our guts have exploded into our already dirty underwear.

Of course a minority of others, the so-called rich and famous, have other concerns about underwear (or not) over and above the obvious bus incident most of us were told as children.

In fact, some people as so bored for affection and tenderness, that they abuse sensibility to the maximum. Think of all the chafing and rubbing injury that underwear prevents.

Well, it seems some have more time on their hands than others, who forgo shaving on the weekend as a rite of relaxation. Sunday night or Monday morning, it's out with the razor for that business class look.

Talk about chafing itching, heat rash or prickly heat as it's called. Thos red spots are ingrown hairs, trust me.

Communal Living in the 21'st Century

I thought the Home Hardware consortium was owned by Mormons, but whoaaa! Was I wrong!

I went to the local Home Hardware here in town, a family run business where all the employees go the the same church and all the men volunteer for the volunteer fire department, to ask about Mormons. I was interested, or I thought I was, in joining the Mormon commune in Bountiful, B.C.

It turns out, the staff at Home, and at Home's head office are Baptists.

"Baptist, anabaptist, what the Hell's the difference?", I asked the man I buy my nails and screws from.

"Well," he says, "An anabaptist is really a Mennonite, but we are the true Baptists. There's a big difference."

"No shit?", I say. "For Chrissake, I didn't know that."

I do know there's Mennonite community near Kitchener, Ontario, which used to named "Berlin", but we're going into strange historial territory there.

On my way home from the hardware store, the images of rosy cheeked Mormon girls stuffing goose down into pillows and duvets was soon replaced by something more sinister.

I'm beginning to wonder if this whole idea is too far fetched for the likes of me, but I will keep looking.

C'mon to the Commune

I've been wanting a little polite adventure in my life lately. Not the kind of gut wrenching terror available in white water rafting or even on the roller coaster.
No, just a kind of reverent, pipe smoking, laid back adventure, like going to live on a commune was an adventure for the baby-boomers in the 1960's. Then I thought of Bountiful, British Columbia, the polygamist community.


It's the only commune I can think of aside from the Raelians, who are little too far left of center for me. Buy hey, they both have young girls aplenty and a guy have have more than one wife.


Sure, Bountiful must stink to high heaven with all those dirty cloth diapers being wrung out, washed, and hung out, and the crying and overall smell of babies is a turn off for me, but what the heck, maybe I could get used to it!

But the Bountiful group are an offshoot of the Mormon's (Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), and pedophile Michael Jackson is a Mormon too, so I'm just not sure.

The young girl in the center photo under the white robed Raelian is the daughter of the Canadian lieutenant of the Bountiful sect. But wait, there are three more girls in the photo who look like sisters to each other. Anyway, inbreeding aside, this is the real deal.

Only one thing is stopping me, sort of like that old line in "Hotel California" by the Eagles - "you can check out any time you want, but you can never leave." But for a while, I could live like a king!


A bunch of Mormons own the local Home Hardware store Maybe I should start my research there.

Things We've Learned from Boomers

These are some things we have learned from the now older baby boom generation, who were defined by their music, admission of sex as recreation, soft drug use and long hair.

Campus unrest: Administrators with their security teams have learned how to stifle free and critical thinking on the nation's campuses of higher learning. At one time, the America-Viet Nam war was stopped and black people everywhere began to be noticed as humans because of enlightened students protesting stupid racial customs and ignorant politicians. The only light students are capable of seeing today is the one at the end of the end of the tunnel of graduation, which signals the begining of disillusionment when they find a degree down't guarentee a job.

Music: There are very "songs" on the radio protesting environmental, political or racial inequalities these days. That's because the now-rich boomers have figured it's better to crank out rap music albums telling the young how kill each other, and not the "established" people. Very few musicians thses days are saviours, except for their own bank accounts.

War: the military industrial machine is raking in money hand-over-fist thanks to aging boomers pouring investment money into the stock market, which in turn fuels the wars, ad nauseum.

Free thinking: Dead! No one wants to think anything radical, because no one will listen, or those who do will become threats instead of adversaries.

I think I'll go do a crossword puzzle. It's less upsetting.

What Good is Suffering

There is a phrase about a dog; "He suffers fools gladly."

Myself, I find amusement first with fools, then contempt. Which makes me wonder how other view me. I've studied Maslow's theory - the question fits with feedback on the estimation of my own self.

Try to balance that with independent, critical thinking and it doesn't turn out too bad.

Am I Crazy, or is it Hot in Here?

Is it hot in here... or am I crazy? Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

Canadian biathelete Olympic medal winner Myriam Bedard is regretting telling the media that her partner convinced the country's former Prime Minister, Jean Chretien, to stay out the American led war in Iraq.

Myriam is now facing a court trial to explain why she abducted her daughter andremoved herself to the U.S., fearing persecution here at home. Does this conduct remind you of Dar Heatherinton? She's the Lethbridge, Alberta, council woman who faked her own abduction to Vegas, them fabricated a story about an invisible stalker.

Really ladies, mehtinks you have too much time your collective hands, with maybe a lump of opium to go along with the case of white wine. At least Dar looks repentant.

Immigrants: Don't Come to Canada - it's Corrupt

Well, it took while, but the Quebec Provincial Police have put out an Interpol warrant for another sleazy Ottawa resident for bilking the Canadian taxpayers throught the corrupt Liberal sponsorship program. That's him, to the right.

This scumbag, John the Flower (Jean LeFleur) went on the lam in Costa Rica right after all the shit hit the fan in Ottawa. Since then has disappeared, hence Interpol.

Chuck Guite is languishing in a Quebec penitentiary since 2006, when he was found guilty of the same kind of shenanigans , defined as "confidence tricks", so Jean better stay hidden unless he wants to live in the crowbar hotel.

But wait - wasn't the whole sponsorship thing started by that other Jean, Jean Chretien? Or was it his successor as Prime Minister, Paul Martin? And then didn't Martin lose the election he promised after the invesigator, James Gomery, concluded his report? These guys are all over 60, what's up with that?

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Gomery's daughter was employed by the law firm that was trying to prosecute Chretien and Martin. It goes on, and on, and on...

Ohhh! Dearie me, let's stay out of Canada. Except for the suits and they be white, it's just as corrupt as back home! Pass the knackwurst Hienie.

Mounties and OLG Struggle

I'm feeling a bit tired out this morning. Maybe posting later today... it's the full moon, I think.

Get Off the Phone

Have you ever picked up a call to find that it's that friend who goes on and on and on... and on?

You try yawning, saying "yes" over and over, even when you should say "no" once in a while. You suggest calling back later, you say you have to go a meeting in two minutes, or you have a roast in the oven (or reheated pizza in the microwave); you've tried everything, but nothing works to silence that annoying, self-centered and conceited individual.

If you have trouble saying no, then you need the finest invention for ridding yourself of annoying callers, politely and forever.

Next article, "You Can Pick Your Friends, and You Can Pick Your Ass, but You Can't Pick Your Friend's Ass.

Preparing for April Fool's Day

Well, all you schmucks, rubes, hicks and hayseeds, get ready to fall off the turnip truck, April Fool's Day is nigh!

Some of you might be apprehensively wondering if my Blog is one big joke, but I assure you the contrary is true, I just love a good hoax.

Like this photo of my former corporate headquarters building where I slaved away as a graphic artist and communications specialist under a couple of psychopathic idiot supervisors who made over $100,000 year, one on salary, the other on wages a "bonuses".

Talk about dirty tricks! Get ready!